Before your child started school, you probably tried to remain realistic about their behavior and performance. You accepted that they wouldn’t always be a perfect angel — that you were destined to get a few calls from school or notes in your little one’s cubby about errant meltdowns. And if you thought your kid might be gifted, you likely spent a good bit of time and deliberation before allowing yourself to seriously consider that. But if you know your child is very bright (gifted, even), and they get to school and really seem to be struggling, well, that scenario may not have crossed your mind.
Sure, you’ve heard that smart kids often need additional resources to succeed and are likely to face challenges as they advance in their academic careers. You may even have expected minor social hiccups in the context of “smart kids often get bored, and bored kids can have trouble connecting with kids their age.” Sometimes, though, smart kids are exactly where they belong academically… and still, they struggle.
Even if you’re not a perfectionist, seeing your child flail is worrisome. It’s hard to know if it’s an adjustment period, if they were just having a lousy testing day, or if something more significant might be going on. The reality is that myriad issues, bigger or smaller, may affect how your tiny Einstein performs in school. What’s important is that you, along with the educators now in your kid’s life, respond with support.
When toddlers and preschool children seem to learn easily and naturally, when they enjoy the company of other children, and are generally well-behaved at home, parents understandably anticipate that they will do well in school. And they usually do — but not always, and not in all learning environments,” says Jeanne Huybrechts, chief academic officer at Stratford Schools.
Huybrechts continues, “So, when smart, good children struggle to learn or demonstrate learning in school, or when they manifest behavior at school that impedes learning or relationship development, parents are right to respond with guidance and support for their children so that they can enjoy all the benefits of school. And parents should expect that their child’s teachers, who have similar aspirations and expectations for their child, will partner with them in this endeavor.”
Why is my child struggling in school?
“There are myriad reasons why a bright, high-functioning child might struggle with written assessments,” says Huybrechts, “including undiagnosed learning or attention differences, poor test-taking skills or under-preparation, and anxiety brought on by internal (perfectionism) or external (pressure) factors. Similarly, children ‘misbehave’ at school and at home for reasons that include insufficient stimulation (boredom), an unmet need for autonomy or agency, undiagnosed neurodivergence (ADHD, for example), or social anxiety brought on or magnified by transitions — from one grade or school to another, for example. I’ve seen that many times!”
Breaking it down:
- Undiagnosed learning/attention differences
- Poor test-taking skills/under-preparation
- Anxiety (brought on from multiple places)
- Boredom
- Unmet agency
What should you do if your child is struggling in school?
“Keep talking to your child, and make sure the conversations with your child are inclusive and low stakes,” suggests Toby Walker, vice president of BASIS Independent Schools. “That way, they can just talk about what is going on at school in a comfortable way, knowing you are trusting and supportive of them. For example, if you have established routines with your child, you can start this conversation to make your child comfortable talking about concerns they might have. Some parents regularly talk with their kids while walking to the bus, or perhaps you have time together as a family talking after dinner.”
Think of talking to your child as a “fact-finding mission.” In most cases, you and your kiddo might not be able to solve the problem together. But a low-key, no-pressure chat can help uncover issues you might not know exist. You might be able to offer a few ideas on how you two can work together to fix things, but remember the “it takes a village” adage.
“Importantly, do not be afraid to have conversations with your student’s teacher and school around concerns that you or your child may have,” reminds Walker. “Good teachers and good schools want to be able to understand what is happening with a child at home and school. Don’t be afraid to open those channels of communication.”
Gigi Schweikert, parenting and education expert and CEO of Lightbridge Academy, agrees that communication is vital. “It’s important for parents to voice the problems that the child may be facing to their teacher. This is something the teacher may already be trying to address in the classroom, and together, the parents and teacher can create a plan so the child can succeed.”
How can you help your child succeed and not add stress?
“Parents can support young children that are struggling behaviorally or academically by creating a structured routine, celebrating small achievements, and offering emotional validation to help boost their confidence,” suggests Schweikert. “Breaking tasks into bite-sized and manageable steps can prevent becoming overwhelmed, while open communication ensures the child feels understood. Patience is key, as progress takes time and every child learns differently. It is also important to schedule breaks for fun and relaxation, which can help reset a child’s mindset, making them more open to learning.”
You might already know to break things down into smaller tasks at home. Instead of “clean your room,” it’s “pick up your books,” followed by “put your laundry in the hamper.” But we often let our kids sit down with a packet of homework without really processing how overwhelming that might be. Try suggesting doing one worksheet or subject now and then taking a “brain break” before starting on another.
Huybrechts mentioned unmet agency or autonomy. School is so structured without much room for choice. If the strict demands are weighing on your kiddo, find other ways to give them choices:
- “Do you want to do math or science homework first?”
- “Do you want to use your Halloween pencil or your sparkly pencil?”
- “Do you want to help me pick out warm clothes for school tomorrow?”
When is it time to bring in doctors, therapists, or other experts?
“Ideally, resolving school-based issues stays within the circle of child, parent, and teacher as they are closest to the situation and the most capable of identifying root causes, implementing steps to resolution, and providing feedback and encouragement to each other,” says Huybrechts. “This can take some time, monitoring, learning, and unlearning. I’ve worked with middle schoolers who, for one reason or another, had adopted study and organizational methods that were quite ineffective. They spent a lot of time preparing and studying for tests only to be disappointed and have to ‘unlearn’ before they could move forward.”
So, when do you escalate the issue to get your kid more help?
“If, as a parent, you feel that your child’s teacher, possibly because of inexperience, is not in a position to provide the guidance you need, you can always escalate to a principal or counselor,” Huybrechts suggests. “But hopefully, this is an unused option, as the principal will not know your child as well as their teacher. Certainly, if your child’s teacher or the principal suggests a neurological or psychological basis for your child’s learning or behavior challenges, you should see a professional in that area. Good schools can usually refer you to someone.”
If you think your child might be neurodivergent, don’t hesitate to bring it up to your child’s teacher. They have no doubt worked with dozens or hundreds of kids over the years and might be able to confirm or deny your concerns. If you think they’re wrong, push further. Talk to your child’s doctor. Many schools have therapists and counselors who can also talk to your child, get a better read, and help you figure out your next steps.
“I recommend talking to outside help when the struggles persist in the classroom after working directly with their teacher,” shares Schweikert. “At this point, it may be causing additional stress for the larger family, and help from outside the classroom can help to bring a new perspective and solution.”
Remember that whether it’s a matter of simple relearning, finding new study approaches, or your child receiving a new diagnosis, none of this is the end of the world. The sooner you find the issue and work to address it, the better chance your child has at succeeding later in school and life.
